


A Pirate's Life for Me

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: Covalent Bonds [11]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Gallows Humor, Multi, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, beforus trolls in alternian situations, goes awesomely for everyone, is a thing Damara likes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4708226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AA: tell me about kankri, i tell you about me<br/>CC: ...<br/>CC: codDAMN megido<br/>CC: so did you not want to talk to any of us or<br/>AA: yes<br/>CC: so whats changed now<br/>AA: now is funnier to speak<br/>AA: vomit up your kankri fucking woes so i may laugh into your sea dog face<br/>CC: nice, i can feel some real sympathy flowin from your new typeface, girl.<br/>CC: real friendly there did you wake up beached outside your coon or<br/>AA: i laugh and choke and die if you lucky<br/>AA: tell<br/>CC: urgh fine okay let me just walk up to your harpoon n whine my life aint sharp enough<br/>CC: giving me your word youll tell me where to find you after that?<br/>AA: put a cross in my heart hope you die :D<br/>CC: imma take you at your word and that word as a yes but only because i really need to bitch about that sweater-wrapped tool</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Pirate's Life for Me

**Author's Note:**

> So hey, we know how waking up post-game worked out for the humans and Alternians, but what about the Beforans? 
> 
> (if you don't read Covalent first you will understand very little about this. post-game, all players were shunted to Alternia.)

\-- codComplex [CC] started memo on board WHADDAFUCK --

CC: YO BEACHES ROLL CALL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW  
CC: any of my roes the fuck around???  
CC: hell id even take crocro at this point   
CC: or anyone that aint MOTHERFISHIN KANKRI.  
CC: hello?? po-po? pyrope? anyone?

\-- avidlyAndere [AA] replied to memo -- 

AA: それは魚のふしだらな女です  
CC: corrayction, anyone who can glub words that make actual sense and give me actual intel that i can fucken use?  
CC: i guess good job on cheating death again.  
CC: and you bein alive is kinda intel i suppose  
CC: gold star for that one  
AA: 尻であなたの星をファック  
CC: now how am i supposed to find your bass and drag it home if you cant tell me where you or anyone else got at  
CC: i dont even know where **i** am, coddang it all to haddock heck  
CC: AND SOME SHOUTY LITTLE BASSHOLE IS GRINDING DOWN MAH AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS AND SHAME GLOBES IN A MAJOR FREAKING WAY.  
AA: hahahahahahahaha  
CC: holy shit you can type real world letters too i thought your keyboard was borked  
CC: that is some craysea revelation.  
CC: # if i didnt have a whole six sweeps of craysea shit to compare it to that is  
AA: tell me about kankri, i tell you about me  
CC: ...  
CC: codDAMN megido  
CC: so did you not want to talk to any of us or  
AA: yes  
CC: so whats changed now  
AA: now is funnier to speak  
AA: vomit up your kankri fucking woes so i may laugh into your sea dog face  
CC: nice, i can feel some real sympathy flowin from your new typeface, girl.  
CC: real friendly there did you wake up beached outside your coon or  
AA: i laugh and choke and die if you lucky  
AA: tell  
CC: urgh fine okay let me just walk up to your harpoon n whine my life aint sharp enough   
CC: giving me your word youll tell me where to find you after that?  
AA: put a cross in my heart hope you die :D  
CC: imma take you at your word and that word as a yes but only because i really need to bitch about that sweater-wrapped tool  
AA: 0_0  
CC: ok fine so i wake up in this gross lukewarm 'coon fulla nasty-ass weak slime, as you do  
CC: didja wake up in a 'coon like that btw  
AA: no  
AA: stop dig nosy intel question, i tell or not later maybe.   
AA: you keep flapping you useless face hole, too far to make it not useless other way  
CC: koi, keep the backtalk to a dull roar, else some garnet chesticular floatation devices are gonna develop air leaks when i fucken get to you  
AA: maybe tiny holes not too big for your needle bulge  
AA: you bore me, i go away and masturbate now  
CC: oi   
CC: were you always so fucking dirty i mean seariously girl thats nasty  
CC: anyway i dont care just listen to that shit  
CC: so i wake up an there's this clingly-ass bitch all cuddled up to my back right there in with me all feelin up my gills and huggin me right across them like i dont actually use em to breathe or nothing  
CC: so i elbow them in the face, aight??  
AA: hahahahaha  
CC: then i get treated to five minutes of ranting aboat how assault and violence are never the answer   
CC: not even if a creepster sneaks into your bed apparently  
CC: then the kanksters notices were both bare-ass naked as the day we pupated  
CC: BAM he backhands me IN THE FACE but its apparently okay as long as its him doing the violence   
CC: my fine bod and killer venom glands are hells of triggering apparently  
AA: :D :D :D :D :DDDDDD  
AA: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha  
AA: this is the good shit  
CC: if youre wonderin how long he ranted aboat molestation, hes still at it right now.  
AA: good solid lungs  
CC: yeeeeeeeeah, SOMEone aint at risk from asthma here   
AA: maybe next time shove the head of him under slime bath and plug with your bulge, he don't die for a bit  
AA: small round teeth and dull horns for put your hands on!  
CC: oh my little fishes whats wrong with your hormones, megido, this is kankri won't-ass, hes as sexy as a whale carcass rotting in the sun!!!  
AA: yes of course  
AA: that is why your face nasty dark colored and your knees all up together and you stay face to computer won't turn to look at room  
AA: maybe he not clothed enough yet! only five and ten clothes  
CC: ...   
CC: okay what the fuck  
CC: how do you get to sea whats happening in here? you aint any kind of hacker, dont even try to snow me  
AA: :D  
AA: when he don't know he naked and you stare all dumb at his rumble spheres your face look so stupid i almost cry from laughing  
AA: three minutes forty two seconds you stare at his tits like they big like mine and i slap you in the face with them, knock you down for the count  
CC: where you at, megido  
CC: i ain't foolin around anemonemore  
CC: you can see me right so see my face right now  
AA: the ghosts call it the helmsblock  
CC: ... the shell is that?  
AA: in the belly of the ship  
CC: we on a ship?  
CC: coddamn this might be the only good news ive gotten yet today  
AA: you learn kankri has small cute tits and your bulge like it  
CC: i learn youre an even more deranged bitch than i ever knew  
CC: sit tight imma slap some sense in the ranting wonder and come whoop your bass

\--

Shooting the shit with that cray-cray bitch settled her ass down somehow, and Meenah isn't an idiot -- if Megido is alive, and Vantas is alive, then so are the rest of her moron crew. Just gotta find 'em. All is cool.

All her mad treasure is out of her sylladex and in a pile at the far end of the room; Kankri is pacing there, tugging a length of red velvet out from under some gold as he sneers to himself about how completely antisocial and abusive she is being, stealing the one resource he really wants, the lone workable computer in the whole block; she's isolating him and being controlling blahblah emotional manipulation... She's not sure if Megido can hear what they said and just chose not to use that one as ammunition -- maybe it ain't as funny if Kankri ain't here to hear her leer about how he won't come up to Meenah because her tits are still out.

Hey, she didn't want to _look_ embarrassed, okay. Also like hell she is letting him harry her around. If he did it in this disgust-dripping tone he could tell her to put out the fire in her hair and she'd just throw the horns at him and go out in a blaze.

She seriously forgot how irritating he was in all the time they were dead in separate bubbles.

Anyway.

She gets up all at once, shoving the desk chair back -- it rattles on the steel floor, hits a floor screw, and almost flips over -- and she turns around fast, all challenge and embarrassment. Kankri makes a high-pitched noise of protest and turns his back.

Asshole is wearing her amazeballs Denizen-leather jacket on top of his red pullover, buttoned up to the neck, like he thinks she'll be pulling the wool up and the high pants down to get another look at his body. It thuds odd under her ribs to see her sign smack dab across his spine in little diamond-tipped rivets.

"I'll thank you to put something on, and not expose yourself so blatantly!"

"Uh huh," she mutters. She... doesn't even want to ask for her jacket. Urgh. Not worth the tongue-lashing. She finds a black shirt and puts it on -- she's in her pants already, she drew the line at sitting bareassed on a cheapass piece of plastic.

She really wants to know why the roomy sleeping block reminds her more of a mostly empty stockroom than the sweet pimped-out crib the heiress fuckin' deserves. Bare metal walls with really badly put down bioware, rivets apparent to stub her toes on, and the ceiling lights are weak as shit. She suspects the answer is outside, though. Which, uh, hasn't really tempted her much yet. There are noises sometimes like people walking by, faraway voices. Strangers. It's been so damn long since she saw any strangers.

Urgh.

Shirt secured, she swings her double-ended trident over her shoulder. Kankri is staring at her with his nose up, his nostrils flaring a little. She doesn't think she's ever seen him so _angry_ \-- why be angry when you can be calm and smug and judgey, right?

"Right. I'm swimmin' out to find Damz. You can wait here if you'd rather."

He eyes the room -- the big, empty room. The computer. She's expecting him to take it over in a matter of seconds. She throws the door open, pauses in the opening. The corridor is empty, so she looks back

"There's a lock, you should be safeish. Just you had betta let me in when I come back or I swear there will be hell to pay."

Kankri makes the oddest face, staring at her -- past her?

There's her sign scratched out three hands tall into the door, with like a _claw_ or something. Hardcore as shit, but also pretty... pretty... well.

Is she _poor_ , in this universe? Shit.

"I will be coming with you," Kankri says frostily, and speed-walks stiffly to the door, glaring at her sign. She doesn't know what his problem is.

"I don't know what your problem is, crabby, but you--"

"I am not staying alone in what is clearly your room! I intend to be looking for _my_ room, and to _immediately terminate_ whatever arrangement my previous self supposedly had with previous-you."

She pulls the door closed, and only after it's done does she wonder if she'll be able to open it again. There's a thingie near the door but she can't even tell if it takes handprints or a keycard or a code, and if it's either of the last two she's kinda fucked. Whoops. "You mean you don't wanna keep fucking me? Wow, heartbroken--"

She almost has a small heart attack when they pass the first stranger -- some titchy yellow adult bitch with doubled horns, only the size diff between the two pairs is hella crazy.

But the chick only nods when Meenah catches her eye and smothers a smile, and says "Morning, Cap'n," and of course Meenah's back goes all straight and her smile all wide and toothy because damn straight!

A captain, huh? Fuck _yesss_.

"Nothin' to sea here, swim along," she says benevolently as Kankri chokes beside her. The yellow troll giggles in her hand and obediently swims the fuck along. Meenah decides that she will be her new favorite. Damn but it's good not to have to herd meowbeasts all the time like with her goddamn crew. Like... her cluster-crew, not her... apparently... ship crew.

Only after the girl is gone, Meenah realizes she should have found a way to discreetly order her to come with them to the helmsblock, because hell if Meenah has any idea where it is. Apart from "down". "Okay, find a staircase or somefin," she tells Kankri as she looks at rows of mostly identical doors.

When she glances at him his jaw is clenched so tight it's a wonder she didn't hear a fang cracking.

"What?"

"Don't you even pretend you couldn't tell what she assumed about us, with your casual bout of sexual harassment--"

"And how you came outta my crib--"

"--Which I'm hardly responsible for!--"

"--And how you're _wearing my jacket_." She snorts. "Dipshit."

Kankri stiffens. She watches almost detached as his face goes kind of red, and then she remembers it was red like this when he was naked in her --

"--Okay, let's go," she says, and opens a door decisively.

It's a cupboard.

"That's a cupboard," Kankri informs her. "You might perhaps want to attempt the door labeled 'up and down motorized platform'?"

They breeze past several other adults, some pretty old-looking, and they all give her the cap'n nod and the knowing look toward Kankri, and she'd have assumed he would miss them with how interested he is in the sound of his own voice, but nah, he notices. It pisses him off.

Meenah, meanwhile, is starting to hella fucking enjoy her new station in life, even if she has no idea what possessed other-her to choose Kankri Vantas of all people as a kismebitch. (Especially since there's apparently a Megido on board... Okay, on second thought, no, if their previous selves have at least half as much history as Meenah and her own Damara do, maybe someone ashed them up before they killed each other, and a good thing too 'cause outside of the game it might actually stick. That'd be... Well, the _idea_ of fighting that hard with someone is sexy, and she know Damz can give her a run for her money with those dirty psionics and her crazed hell-bitch claw-tornado dealio, but.)

"If you're lost, you may admit it instead of compounding the problem," Kankri says.

"I was explorin'," Meenah grumps. And she was! Been learnin' lots. For example, this way smells like maybe something edible.

"Right. Meanwhile I will be exploring this ladder, as this is the only downwards way we have yet to find on this floor."

She glowers halfheartedly at him, and might be sneering a little bit when she gets to the ladder hole and he's still standing next to it with his arms crossed for her to go first.

"Cowardly much, Kankrill?"

"Far from me to get in the way of your self-destructive, short-sighted meat shield tendencies. At this point maybe experience will teach you."

Urgh. So annoying. She swings down first, making cluckbeast noises under her breath; he follows still complaining. She's starting to figure out what other-her was thinking; if his mouth is busy he can't needle her to death.

Also from underneath like this he has a pretty nice ass. A surprisingly nice ass.

When she reaches the bottom and takes a second to find a place to put her feet amongst all the biowires he almost steps on her face, which is less nice.

"Coddamn, Kankri, watch where you put those murder implements."

"Are you insinuating that you believe I attempted to step on you deliberately," he says cold and silky, which is when she figures out he _did_ do it deliberately.

"Hey listen here, you puffer fish," she starts, hands on her hips, already vaguely thinking of maybe making a pass -- purely to shut him up (and because he looks kind of good naked, and her body woke up alive and odd and wired--)

"Fuck on the other wall, I cannot see good over there," Damara says in her low, throaty, sarcastic voice, and Kankri's eyebrows pinch in irritation that Meenah is vaguely annoyed is not aimed at _her_.

And then his whole face goes slack like he doesn't know what kind of face to make.

Maybe it's twice in a day he's seeing rumble spheres, Meenah thinks, but surely the clothes she wears cheat somehow, Megido's tits can't be _that_ awesome...

She turns.

"Hello, bitches," Damara says with a death's head grin, her crazy eyes hidden under a bolted-on helmet.

She's cradled in a nest of fuchsia coils. There are biowires touching her skin. _Burrowing_ under her skin. It bulges out in spots.

"The fuck is this," Meenah breathes out.

Damara shrugs, as much as she can with her arms caught like this; garnet blood beads. When Meenah steps closer she can't even pretend she doesn't see the other girl trembling.

"Psychic energy," Kankri says, so calm and distant Meenah wants to _slap_ him. "Coming out and into these wires. I think Damara is what's powering your, ah, rad new ship."

Then he turns, very neat and proper, and bends over, and throws up, eyes closed tight.

"I think he is right!" Damara says, and laughs, and then her smile falls into pieces and she hisses, wild with crazed terror, so hard there is spittle, " _Get me out of here_."

Meenah stands as close to the nest of tentacles as she can without touching it, and thinks second that she has no idea how.

She thinks first of all the scarred, grizzled adults calling her captain with reverent affection and how much they will like and obey her if she strands them in space for taking pity on a piece of machinery.

**Author's Note:**

> *google translate ftw*
> 
> AA: それは魚のふしだらな女です  
> (It is a slut of fish)
> 
> CC: gold star for that one  
> AA: 尻であなたの星をファック  
> (And fuck your star in the ass)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Pirate's Life for Me [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8737885) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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